If I had been an actual biking journalist I’d in all probability be selecting a “Bike Of The Yr” proper now, which might in all probability be the Rivendell Roadini:
Not solely is it versatile and cozy, however it’s additionally one among (if not the) final remaining regular non-custom street bike nonetheless in manufacturing wherever on Earth.
However who the hell desires a motorcycle like that in 2025? The place’s the downtube storage compartment? Are you able to even put a suspension fork on there? And the way the hell are you alleged to cease it with out disc brakes?!?
So let’s select a Bike Of The Yr higher suited to the trendy shopper from among the many many new fashions I’ve featured in 2025 regardless of by no means having ridden them and even seen them in particular person.
Right here goes:
Ari Bike Shafer 3.0
This daring new gravel bicycle fills me with delight, for at a time when antisemitism is as soon as once more rearing its hideous head in Western tradition, the Ari Shafer stands tall and wears its heritage resolutely on its sleeve.
Oh wait, no it doesn’t:
So “Ari” is brief for “Fezzari,” and Shafer is a path in Utah?
That’s probably the most goyishe factor I’ve ever heard! Screw them, I take all of it again. Although it does have “rider-centric geometry,” and it’s about time, too, as a result of I purchased a motorcycle with pet-centric geometry lately and it was a complete waste as a result of my cat gained’t even experience it.
The New Surly Straggler
In 2025 there appeared to be no center floor between plastic-and-electronic technical wonders and self-consciously retro boutique choices. Enter Surly, an organization that way back ditched the utilitarian for the soporific. Not solely did they discover that center floor, however in addition they constructed a Consolation Inn on it, put a Do Not Disturb signal on each door deal with, and rocked us all gently to sleep.
Critically, this factor is deeply and profoundly boring. If Skechers Fingers Free Slip-ins™ had been a motorcycle, the brand new Straggler can be it. The one factor even mildly provocative about it’s the aesthetically unappealing hot-dog-in-a-hallway fork/headtube junction:
However even that’s boring, for the reason that goal isn’t to offend you, it’s merely as a result of* they couldn’t be bothered to please you.
*(And for suspension fork compatibility, making this maybe the one bicycle on the planet that might look higher with a suspension fork…with the potential exception of the Trek Y-Foil, although I notice it’s extremely controversial to counsel a Y-Foil can ever look good.)
Canyon Grizl
Unveiled with a lot fanfare, and Jesus-carrying, the Grizl is every little thing the Straggler is just not. Besides boring. They’re each very, very boring. However the Grizl is a special sort of boring. It’s not khaki pants boring; it’s the boring of somebody who’s attempting too onerous to not be boring. It’s boring doubling over on itself and giving itself fellatio. It’s boring just like the handsome standard one that will get invited to all of the events and wears all the proper garments and will get heaps and many textual content messages and but has no actual persona is boring, and I guess the Grizl cries itself to sleep each night time as a result of deep down it is aware of how really boring it’s, identical to the handsome standard particular person does.
Aethos 2
5 years in the past now, once they launched the Aethos after years of promoting misshapen bicycles, Specialised had the audacity to fake they invented street bikes with spherical tubes. Now there’s an “Aethos 2,” and it’s “impossibly responsive, supple, and stylish.” This raises an vital query:
HOW THE HELL CAN SOMETHING BE “IMPOSSIBLY RESPONSIVE?”
Wouldn’t “impossibly responsive” imply it’s unable to reply? There’s one other phrase for that, :
It’s the epitome of the impossibility of response.
Trek CheckOUT
The bike corporations have skilled the media properly, and when Trek unveiled the CheckOUT you wanted waders to make your means by way of all of the drool. In fact, despite the fact that you’ll be able to’t ever hope to say its full title ten instances quick, the Verify TrekOUT is actually a exceptional bicycle, as a result of it’s simply probably the most store-bought factor on two wheels ever. From the strategically edgy paint job to the Travis Bickle-inspired sliding downtube-mounted drawer tracks to the rear rack that comes crooked straight from the manufacturing facility, the Trek CheckOUT is like spending $1,490 $745 for a pair of patched denims:
By the best way, that’s a terrific deal on these denims! So I purchased two. I truly saved cash!
Issue One
Hideous in each means, it’s the bicycle we deserve, and I don’t imply that in a great way.
Between the Issue One and the Ethos 2, the bike business appears decided to insult you at each flip.
Due to this fact, I’m hereby giving the award to the Kent Dust Runner:
All it wants is a pair of Rene Herse tires.
